Mr Key's Shorter Potted Brief, Brief Lives

Frank Key

Wesley Samuel (British clergyman and poet 1662 – 1735). On Christmas Day 1716 Wesley was haunted by an apparition of a badger with no head. It was called Jeffrey.
Frank writes:
“It occurred to me that it would be a good idea to write a modern updated version of John Aubrey’s Brief Lives. But it further occurred to me that some books are unimproveable and that in trying to follow in Aubrey’s footsteps I would embarrass myself and become the butt of ridicule. The idea continued to nag at me however and eventually I decided the solution was to outdo Aubrey in brevity. My own Brief Lives would consist of a single unadorned fact about each of my subjects. So the reader may not learn very much about the life of X or Y or Z but they would be armed with one little nugget which might come in handy to chuck into a lull during the conversation at the kind of swish sophisticated cocktail party to which they no doubt get invited."
Other entries include:
Gibson Willie (Irish 2nd Baron Ashbourne 1868 – 1942). An enthusiastic Gaelic nationalist Gibson was rumoured to keep a tortoise in his sporran.
Harmsworth Alfred Lord Northcliffe (British newspaper magnate 1865 – 1922). One day at a seaside resort Northcliffe wantonly struck down a seagull with his stick and beat it to death on the sand.
Jansson Tove (Finnish writer and illustrator 1914 – 2001). When staying at her Finnish island retreat it was Tove Jansson’s practice to get out of bed at four o’ clock in the morning and stand stock still pretending to be a tree while a squirrel ran up and down her frozen limbs.
Lennon John (British musician 1940 – 1980). According to Bernard Levin (q.v.) “there is nothing wrong with John Lennon that could not be cured by standing him upside down and shaking him gently until whatever is inside his head falls out”.
Stein Gertrude (American writer 1874 – 1946). Stein liked to write while looking at cows. She and Alice B Toklas would drive around until they found a suitable spot then Stein would sit on a campstool armed with pad and pencil while Toklas coaxed a cow into her line of vision.
Nixon Richard Milhous (American politician and Potus 1913 – 1994) Nixon’s favourite pastime was mashing potatoes.
Schubert Franz (Austrian composer 1797 – 1828). Upon his deathbed Schubert’s final wish was that someone would bring him some books by James Fenimore Cooper.
Tippett Michael (British composer 1905 – 1998). Tippett called the refrigerator in his kitchen “Bernard Levin”.
Anderson John Henry (British magician 1814 – 1874). The first magician to pull a rabbit out of a hat Anderson also did a trick which he described as “a Grand Ambidexterological Illusion with 12 Handkerchiefs into which will be introduced the Enchanted Loaf and Learned Bottle the Animated Orange and the Invisible Pigeon”.
Brooke Charles (British Rajah of Sarawak 1829 – 1917). An austere character Brooke deemed jam “effeminate” and replaced his glass eye with one taken from a stuffed albatross.
Callaghan James (British politician and Prime Minister 1912 – 2005). When Tom Driberg married Ena Binfield in 1951 Callaghan gave them as a wedding present four ashtrays two of which were broken.
Russell Ken (British film director 1927 – 2011). According to Glenda Jackson the only direction Russell ever gave to his actors was to say “It needs to be a bit more … urrrgh” or “a bit less hmmm”.

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